It Takes a Village...and Some Humility
(Image Credit: http://familyimpact.org/)
I’m at stay-at-home mom, and for the first 15 months of my son’s life, I was pretty into the idea of my husband and me doing everything by ourselves. I didn’t want our parents around all the time because I valued our independence and didn’t want to deal with their opinions. I didn’t do daycare or nannies because I wanted to spend as much time with my son as possible. I loved our tight, small, slightly exclusive family unit and was proud that we were managing just fine by ourselves.
That changed last October when my realization that I was pregnant again coincided with my son’s increasing need for new activities. He needed to go out to play at least once a day, but I spent the morning sitting on the bathroom floor and throwing up. He needed healthy and fresh meals, but I was so tired that I started serving Campbell’s soup for lunch. After a few days of terrible nausea, I caved in and called my mom to come stay with us.
Over Thanksgiving and Christmas, we visited first my husband's parents and then my parents. During those 6 weeks, I watched how our son blossomed under the constant company of our friends and family: his vocabulary increased dramatically, he grew less clingy and developed close friendships with his grandparents, he cried less and smiled more, he managed to wean completely. I realized that I had quite a social little boy and wasn't doing him any favors by keeping him all to myself.
My mother-in-law is currently in between jobs, and I have asked her to stay with us for the time being. Although I enjoy her company and really like her as a person, living with her means I have to constantly negotiate boundaries and consider her input on my son’s diet, schooling, sleeping habits, potty training etc. I’ve learnt, though, that parents’ opinions usually come from a good place and aren’t always so bad when I’m humble enough to listen to them. Having my mother-in-law here also means that Lil’ Cub can get to his playgroup on time because I can find parking after dropping them off, that he’s exposed to more language and social behaviors, that he's developing strong relationships with his extended family, that there’s someone to discipline him in areas where I’ve been remiss, that I can cook and clean without him whining, that my husband and I can go on weekly dates.
People say it takes a village to raise a child; I can finally admit that I’m no superwoman and can’t do it on my own...but that’s ok. It’s wonderful being your child’s entire world, but it’s also exhausting and not sustainable in the long run. It might be great for creating a strong maternal bond in those early months, but it’s definitely not practical for toddlerhood when he needs much more than milk. I also read that good parents need to have a life other than parenting; otherwise, they will over depend on their child to fulfill their emotional needs, which is a lot of pressure for a little one!
It takes work to build this village. Part of it means reaching out to family and researching classes and schools that will help my son enlarge his social circle. But perhaps the most challenging and important part of this process has to happen within me: I need to learn to be humble, to share my son, and to let go of control.
