What my son taught me about pondering
The other day, my husband was trying to get a fussy Lil’ Cub to fall asleep. After a few minutes of wrestling, he managed to get the wriggly guy to settle against his shoulder. As I peeked into the room to get a glimpse of this father-son scene, my husband mouthed to me, “Can you get me my phone?”
My husband isn’t the only one who reaches for his phone when rocking our baby to sleep; I have often found myself doing the same while nursing or holding Lil’ Cub for long periods of time. It’s almost instinctual, especially since I’m the type to fold laundry while watching TV, brainstorm for work at a restaurant, or grade papers on the train. Sitting still on the couch with a baby isn’t exactly the most productive activity; in the early weeks of Lil’ Cub’s life, I would never nurse him without a book, phone, or remote within arm’s reach.
When Lil’ Cub was around 3 months, though, he started getting smart at telling when I wasn’t giving him my full attention while nursing. If I started reading my phone or watching TV, he would unlatch and turn around to see what I was looking at or occasionally bite for attention. One time, I was getting really into a TV show when Lil’ Cub suddenly spurted a fountain of milk all over me and the couch. I realized then that I needed to pay full attention to his feeding cues and pace him better.
Once I ditched the phone and remote, nursing became less passive and much more interactive. I started cherishing how Lil’ Cub would hum while he fed, how he’d absentmindedly kick his legs or pat my shoulder or fiddle with my necklace, how he’d smile if I made a funny face or sound, and how, in the recent few weeks, he would sometimes unlatch, look me in the eye, and say “Ma. Ma.” (heartmeltttt!). I spent time marveling at the softness of his hair, the perfect curve of his ears, and a million other things that are so beautiful about this child. I found myself praying much more (while also meditatively doing the Kiegels routine that my doctor assigned me...so important for postpartum health!). And I wonder if this is what Scripture meant when it says that “Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).
Have I completely ditched my phone? Of course not; as a millennial, I’m still mostly glued to it, especially when Lil’ Cub is engrossed in his own toys, but I do make sure to devote different parts of the day to focusing entirely on him. Sometimes it can be as simple as rolling a ball back and forth 100 times between us, but when I focus more on his squeals of delight rather than the repetitiveness of the task, I find the extraordinary in the ordinary. I’m grateful that my attention-seeking son has taught me to be more present, prayerful, and “ponderful” so I can fully cherish these seemingly mundane but all too fleeting moments of early motherhood.
